confused rookie

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confused rookie Empty confused rookie

Post by bebe on Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:00 pm

Hi. This is my first season on an actual roller derby team. I skated on a recreational team  before this. Let me first say that they are very much different to me. When I first wanted to play for an actual team I started going to a boot camp to learn, challenge myself and to have fun. I have heard from so many derby players that its "fun".  So over two years of time I purchased everything I needed and hit the gym hard to prepare myself. (it took 2 years because I am poor working class) I went to bootcamp and gave it a shot. I wasn't the best at it but I was trying.  I had so many personal things going on that were wrenching on my soul and eating at me. I made the wrong decision and quit right before testing. Why? because I felt so out of my element, awkward, week and well, really alone! Regret almost ruined me as I sat on my couch and cried alone a lot about how I quit and gave in so easily. I joined a recreational league 4 months or so after I quit sulking. They were so welcoming even though i asked them to accept me without even putting on a skate let alone knowing if i even could. The first day i walked in they were all so nice and i felt they were glad to have me. We laughed a lot, fell a lot, encouraged one another all of the time and included everyone on everything! It was all or nobody. We were all very different people but made it work and i had a great time but still had that yearning for the big team, the lights, action, crowd etc. I told them i was going to give bootcamp another shot and they were so supportive even though they would now be a team of 6 without me. I made it through boot camp and now i am a rookie. I know that I have work to do and I know that I make a lot of mistakes and sometimes just plain fail at things they are teaching me but I am so confused to why it seems that us newbies or maybe just me get very little help from a lot of the veteran skaters or even skaters that have only done one season? Why they pass by you in their car and dont wave and look the other way as we all leave at the same time, or why they huff when you ask a dumb question, or perhaps treat you as if you don't exist?  I realize that they have all worked hard to get where they are but I am assuming because of dedication and because someone helped them a time or two to be better. I respect the women that do it and the sport but I am having a hard time with the team that i am on. I see the A team united with themselves and the B-team united with themselves and some of the newbies have personalities that are what most people would call likeable so they do well and they are happy. Myself and another newbie that I know for sure feels the way I do are just left kinda hanging. I blame myself a lot for that because I guard my personality, my heart, my humor etc . I have a lot of personality, humor, and likeable things about me but I have a hard time showing it sometimes.  That reason is one of many  to why i wanted to do roller derby.  I like to be needed, appreciated, helped when Im doing "it" wrong or just plain struggling just like every other derby girl i would think. Why are some derby girls so guarded with helping a newbie or making her feel like part of the team? How am I going to protect my jammer when I feel like she thinks I am dead weight, on the outside of the team or not one of the cool chics? How will I ever enjoy my bruises, sacrifices,  hard work and have fun if my team mates have their own team and make me work so hard for their respect as a human being? I hear comments  or chuckles when I screw up, Ive been told "don't ask me" when ive asked a question but was never lead to who i should ask by my team mate. Don't get me wrong there have  been a handful out of fifty that have helped me. Out of a team of 50 I was hoping for a little more. As a team mate, encouraging eachother comes to mind, helping one another achieve the same goal, showing newbies the way and showing them how "fun" derby can be. Helping eachother not fail instead of standing by and what appears to be hoping for it. Especially when it comes to practice time changes, gear, who to ask what. I am new at this whole thing, I do need help, I do need to be shown the way and encouraged. I have complimented my fellow derby sisters on their skills, encouraged people that i knew needed it or helped fellow sisters up off the floor. I made it to every single boot camp class and the few practices that we have had so far. My skills have improved, I work on them alone in my house, Im thankful to be where I am, grateful for the opportunity, and I keep trying. I still don't know why I feel like I am alone or not part of that team most times when I go there. What am I doing wrong? Am I rushing all of this too quickly? Am I asking too much? I would never not try to solve another sisters problem, help them out with practice. I want all of us to feel like we belong and feel like a team. I don't hit my sisters hard, I don't try to hurt them because I want to  win as a team in a bout with them not against them.  This has gotten long! ha ha  Any honest help, criticisms, what to dos, what not to dos or anything that will help me see what it is that I am missing would be appreciated by anyone. I have workd hard to get here but I don't tell them that, self recognition is not being a teamplayer so i keep it in. I want this, I want to have fun and i don't want to question if I would take one for my team or not. I want to know that I will and be there for them.


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Join date : 2014-01-28

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